Saturday, June 23, 2007

How do you know?

Does anybody else notice those strange little twinges when your bottom needs attention? With mine, there is an odd stingy feely that starts its already had attention but it hasn't so it needs it. The real bitch of this is that it usually happens the strongest when Honey isn't home or when he is in bed and I'm not. I'm one of those females that is up for sex more often than not but spanking...well, if you want to know the truth, I'm up for it way more often than I can force myself to admit. Its a lot like when we first started buttfucking (that as crude a word as I can come up with that so wholeheartedly describes the decadent feeling I get from it). I could almost never tell Honey that was what I wanted and a lot of times I didn't even REALIZE that was what I wanted (and just as often needed) until he kind of pressed the issue...or just went ahead and did it whether I wanted him to or not. As it turned out, I always wanted him to, I just didn't always know it until we were in the throes of it and I would be panting and sweating and all these strange sexual animal noises would be floating around the room and I would realize they were ME...and I was loving every second of it. And then the nuclear explosion would happen behind my eyelids from the earth-shattering orgasm I was having! I see our spanking adventures going this way as we speak. I want it was more often than I can admit. I always like it when we do, and although I don't admit it often, I like when he starts out hard. I hate it and I love it. I hate it because it hurts like a sonofabitch. I love it because it leaves me wanting more.

I love when my ass has been attacked so hard that I can feel it for days when I sit down. I love when I can look in the mirror and see something like <--------....that was 4 days later, just before it started going away. I could still feel it that day too. I keep wanting Honey to grab hold of my waist and lay 3 or 4 or 5 really hard whacks across it with some kind of wooden implement (preferrably not Bruiser. I still think that one is dangerous.) Toy says I wouldn't like the thinner lexan cane and she is probably right (she has been about everything else so far) but I think eventually Honey is going to have to have one because I am going to have to have one. Idon't care fothe heavy one at all but its the heavy thud I don't like. I think there is at least hte possibility that I might like the lighter weight one better. I am gaining a greater appreciation for rattan everytime we try it.

Did anybody happen to see any of the recent Girls Boarding School beltings? I am a strap fan. Why? Because after wood, rattan, or Lexan, leather is a gentle massgae...and when applied correctly, it leaves its own pretty little marks. I like for my ass to get really really hot before Honey sticks his cock inside me. Oh man, do I like that. I haven't shared this with him yet (although he'll know it once he reads this) but his idea of hot and my idea of hot are way different. He is getting pretty seriously turned on at about half the temperature I am looking for. I want to feel serious searing. I want to know what my ass looks like even before I go look at it. I like it all toasted up and then fucked. Its just my kinky idea of a good time.

This is an odd show. It is "The Vagina Monologue." THE "Vagina Monologue." A Vagina Monologue. This woman is talking about hair. Well SHE is talking about hair. You have to love hair to love a vagina. Is this true? I am kind of ambivalent about it. I don't like men's scrotum's shaved. I like the hair on a man...even if being hairless does make a penis look bigger. I assure you, no matter what the aesthetics, it isn't going any deeper or any wider. I like the hair on my man. I like it on his chest. I like it around his penis. I like it ON him. I like the way it feels when it rubs. I like it best when it rubs against my very warm, very red bottom. As for my own hair...

I shave. I shave because Honey likes for me to shave. I shave because I have shaved so long now that if I don't shave, I itch. I like the way Honey's hair feels when I am freshly shaved. I like the way Honey's tongue feels when I am freshly shaved.

This is the like the extended version of The Vagina Monologues. I am most disappointed because they did the Vagina Monologues in my hometown and I so very much wanted to audition. I feel sure I would have gotten a part. Let me move on into two more subjects here in reference to the Vagina Monologues before I move back to spanking.

Eve Ensler is the name of the lady doing this show. I am amazed and I'm wondering why nobody ever had the balls (or should that be ovaries) to do this show before? She has just mentioned, and I do mean MENTIONED that in her dealings with many many many women she only met one woman who not been LEAST molested as a young girl or a young woman. I realize this is not a political forum. It is not meant to be a political forum and I have completely veered from sexy story today to moving into a very political forum but because I know there are at least as women reading my stories as there are men looking at my very bruised ass (by bruised by choice ass) I think I can say this. Eve talks about rape. Rape is a horrible thing and I will talk about that in a moment but for just this moment, just this second, I want to talk about molestion.

I have met two women in my lifetime that claim that were not molested as children. One I am sure is lying. I believe she was not only molested but that she was raped by more than one of her brothers. She keeps everything close to the heart, she is in her late 40's, has only had sex a couple of times, does not masturbate (because she says it just makes not having the real thing worse) but she's too uptight to get the real thing....very often. She is in her late 40's, heterosexual and can count the times she has made love on one hand. I think its very sad. She has a heart (and a vagina) that is desperate to give, but has become so enbittered by life and her own insecurities that I don't think she will either have the things she needs most...and I have spent years trying to figure out how to help her open up without realizing that is what is happening to her. I have not succeeded. The other lady that claimed to not have ever been molested...maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. I suspect she was also but I don't know it. It was very strange for me when I started asking woman this question. I don't even know I started asking.. I think it was because of my line of work. I think it was because we had a serial rapist in town at that time. I think its because I am exposed to the stories so often that one would think you would become almost immune to it...but you never do when it involves children. Girls get molested. If you have a daughter, she will probably be molested and no matter how hard you try to keep it from happening, it will probably happen anyway...and if she is lucky, it will only happen once and it will not completely scar her soul forever. It will scar. It will become part of who she is when she grows up. I was molested when I was a little girl. I never told anyone. Eventually, I ventured so far as to admit that I was molested but I never told anyone when, where, how or who...ever. Now here is the really strange part. No one ever asked. How many other women out there are sitting back right now thinking about the having been molested, about the fact that they didn't tell anyone, and that when they did, nobody asked for the details (unless it was a therapist you told.) Is this a bad thing? Probably. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am just a woman. Once was commited by someone who should havae known someone who knew that what he was doing was did the other men that were in the room. Another time was by inflicted upon me by children. They didn't know better. It had been inflicted upon them and they did not know they were doing anything wrong...or maybe they did since I was taken into a closet but I don't believe any of the children involved were old enough to understand the significance of what was going on.

Then there were the teenage years. I was not raped. Well, I was not raped in the traditional sense. I was never forced to have sex with a male although it came very close. I ran with a rougher crowd for a few years and you would think that I would have learned, and eventually I guess I did because I quit running with that group, but I had "things" shoved inside me more than once, not by choice. I was "rescued" several times. I was very lucky. Some of the other girls that ran in the same crowd were not so lucky. They were raped, some violently and brutally...and I know that as of several years after it happened, the only ones that knew were the very tight crowd that all hung together. I don't even know if the girls considered it rape at the time. I think they mostly considered it stupidity on their part. As an adult now, I can look back and see the post-traumatic responses that they were exhibiting. Even as a young and experienced adult female, I found myself in situations that could easily have been prosecuted as rape, but I prefer to think of as bad judgment. Perhaps that is why after my horrible first marriage to a man that I thought I was so in love with who showed his love for me by beating me up steadily worse over the course of the time we were together...because I just wouldn't understand how much he loved me...that I wasn't so thrilled about the idea of dating again. I didn't really want to get back into that "pool" and swim again. It took my relationship and subsequent marriage to Honey to help me not only understand myself (in ways that he doesn't know he helped me) but realize how incredibly lucky I am that I found one of those patient, loving, gentle (when I want him to be) REAL men in the world that you hear about, that they write fairytales about, that fifteen years ago I would have sworn didn't exist except in my brother and gay men, and not even all gay men. I found the needle in the haystack. Or maybe he found me. I was such the damsel in distress and Honey has always been a knight in shining armor. He knew I was in distress but I think, maybe even now, he doesn't know how desperately in distress I was. So back to our daughters, our sisters, even our mothers, look around you, think about your own life, how many women do you know that have not been molested, not been raped, not been abused? Its hard to be a woman in this world. We are the weaker sex. But are we? Physically, obviously we are. Is there anything that makes you feel more helpless than having a man pick you up against your will and carry you anywhere? Even when they are only being playful with you, it is the moment you realize, as a woman, how vulnerable you really are.

I mentioned my line of work. I said I deal with maladies that befall women more often than I should like....obviouly I am not going to say what my line of business is but having said that much, in contrast to the amount of women that I KNOW have been molested and/or raped in their lifetimes, I can tell you beyond any shadow or doubt that the real ones are seldom, VERY seldom reported. This makes my heart hurt. How are women to truly understand themselves and our world if we never talk about what happens to us? Did you ever report to your parents, your teachers, the police, a counselor, even a friend what happened to you? I know I didn't. Oh, there are a couple of things that I encountered that I talk about...technically rape but in my head stupidity. There are reasons that I would never report these particular, I felt as responsible for what happened as they were. I wasn't violently forced to have sex. I felt like I had led these men on unintentionally. I was terribly naive. They did not take no for an answer, which I realize makes it TECHNICALLY rape. One, I was so drunk that I vaguely remember saying no before I passed out, but when I woke up I was naked and obviously there had a penis that had ejaculated inside me. That was weird. It is also considered rape in this day and age. My moral and ethical question to myself was and would still be "Could you ruin the rest of a man's life for doing something that he never realized you didn't approve of?" In these cases, the answer was no. There was once or twice that was borderline but I was lucky enough that it never crossed over. As I said, there were those that I knew that there was NO question that the males involved KNEW they were forcing hte female, the female fought, she was absolutely raped. Date rape...tough call...but if you ask me, when a man holds you down to "make love" to you, you have the right to file charges. Do these cases get reported? No. Not often anyway. The ones that get reported are the ones...let me give an example here. A young soldier, fresh out of basic training, 18 years old goes to one of his first parties on one of his very first leaves after basic. It is being thrown by some girls. A pretty young girl makes friendly with this young soldier. They talk and get drunk together. During the course of the conversation, the subject of age comes up. They find out they are both 18 years old. Hey! They have something in common. As they get drunker, they get friendlier. They begin to kiss. The kissing becomes more intimate. The young soldier gets brave and begins to fondle the girl. He starts with her breasts, first over her clothes, then under. As the petting gets more intimate, his hand moves down. He undones her pants. She does not resist. He sticks his hand down her pants. She does not resist. He "fingers" her. For anyone who might not understand, he penetrates her vagina with a finger or two. Since they have been drinking, this is as far as they get before she has to go pee. She goes to the bathroom and there is a small amount of blood. She freaks out. She finds her sister. She tells her sister what has occurred, but the story begins to change. The sister becomes angry and calls the police. When the police get there, the story now goes something along the line of this: Big sister tells the police that she is having a party for some new basic trainees. Most are not old enough to drink but they are drinking anyway. One of these young men got drunk and forced himself on her 15 year old sister. Big sister signs a complaint of rape by instrumentation. The police go looking for the young man, who is still in at the party, still having a good time and has no idea he is in trouble until he is approached by the officers who tell him they are placing him under arrest and advise him of what he is being charged with. The boy is away from his family. The military is not much help to him at this point because it is a criminal charge that occurred off post. He shouldn't have been drinking. This 18 year old boy, who had no idea that he had been being friendly with a 15 year old, not 18 year old girl, ended up pleaded guilty to a single charge of rape by instrumentation (his finger) and will forever more be labeled as a registered sex offender. This is the kind of rape that gets reported. Wives that get caught or afraid they are going to get caught cheating on their husbands. These get reported as rapes. Prostitutes that can't get their money from their customers report this as rape. I'm not talking about prostitutes that have truly been raped. This does happen. If you think the average "real" rape is violent and brutal on an average women, you should see what happens to prostitutes when they really get raped. Its enough to make even the biggest asshole rescind his opinion that prostitutes can't be raped. I assure you, they can.

Now that I have this oh-my-God rant, let me see if I can't bring this back to our spanking topic. Believe it or not, I think I can. Most of us spankos like to be forced to some extent. We like to be hurt to some extent. Im sure there is some psychological answer for it that has something to do with the fact that most women are molested, raped, or otherwise abused as children and/or young women. I'm sure it plays into our psyche and creates our kinky needs and desires. As long as you have found a way to deal with the traumas that befall us as women, who really cares what or why we like it, we do. I don't think that any amount of psychoanalysis is going to change those desires. We may understand them better but I just don't see them going away. My Honey doesn't know EXACTLY what I want out of this spanking thing but neither do I. Its a journey. We didn't know exactly what we wanted out of our sex life either. I never thought I would like to have a man grab hold of my head and fuck my face as hard and deep as he could. I don't think I would like it with anyone but my Honey. But I LOVE it with him. It makes me wet. The only thing I don't like about it is that I have to make a choice between trying to get him to stop to fuck me because it makes me so horny or following my other overwhelming desire which is to have him shove his cock ALL the way down my throat and empty his cum into my mouth and then masturbate. It usually ends up in the latter because I just can't stop until he cums. My excitement rises with his and I WANT him to come in my mouth (the only man who has been allowed to do that as well...he is just altogether special.) I never thought I would like to be fucked really hard, I never thought I would like to have a cock shoved up my ass and pounded so hard it knocked the breath out of me. I DAMN sure never thought I would like cock shoved up my ass without lubrication...but guess what? I do. My very anal sex experience was a bad one. No lubrication, no warning, no warm-up...not nearly enough experience on HIS part. I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going to be split open and I managed to cause they exit of his penis from my ass against his wishes...I took it seriously and seriously in a bad way. I think I had superfemalehuman strength at that moment. Now, some 25 years later, I like it. Do you think there is a correlation? I'm betting there is. This is what I think the future of our spanking adventures has in store, just from passed sexual experience. Honey and I will get to know each others desires and limitations better and better. He is still afraid of hurting me by accident. So am I, for that matter. He still doesn't know my limitations because I don't know my limitations. I know my fantasies are severe. My fantasies are severe enough to scare me. I came across Nikki Flynn. How fortuitous that was for me. She said it best I think. I don't like the pain. I hate it. I don't like being punished (or in my case, spanked because we don't punish). I like the AFTER EFFECTS. I like thinking about it afterward. I like the reminders when I sit down. I like looking in the mirror. I can masturbate to one of our (or watching someone elses) really severe spanking for months upon months, relieving it if it my own experience, putting myself in someone else's place if it is a severe movie I am watching. I look forward to the day that all the kids are out of the house all the time because right now it feels like pressure to play when the kids are out and that takes the fun out of it. I look forward to the day when Honey and I are alone in the house, we are both in the mood and I am free to have him whack on my ass the way he wants to, the way I want him to in my fantasies and I can make the noise that will be required for him to continue. If you can't voice the pain you are in, you can't be free to really enjoy the experience fully. There are forced boundaries right now because of the kids in the house that will not exist when they are gone. I don't want to be in so much pain that I cry out in pain, that I scream with swats, lashes or whacks...but I crave it. I anticipate it with both fear and lust. Someday...

This last picutre. It is a picture with the toys used to create the markings. Good idea or too much body involved? Its hard to get a decent shot without showing things (like faces) that are complete giveways.

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